I thought about it over breakfast, and I want to accomplish goals this year. It’s been a while since I set a goal for myself. Hopefully, this helps improve my mental health.
They are simple. It should be easy to accomplish. We’ll see, I guess.
So I suck at writing more. This isn’t new. I’d say say I’m sorry, but the past several months have been very uneventful, and there are only so many ways I can say the same thing over and over again. I would get a job interview, attend it, and feel positive about how I did, only to get ghosted or rejected. Over and over and over again. To say I’ve been growing increasingly dejected is putting things mildly.
I’ve run out of unemployment benefits, which is something I was not aware could happen, and burned through my savings trying to stay afloat. Sitting pretty on zero income and trying not to let the stress of it eat me alive is difficult, but I’m managing. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve been able to get some support from family and friends. But I’m trying not to lean on them too heavily.
I got my first traffic ticket, which is $500 to pay off. It was a stupid, careless mistake that is more costly than I feel it should be. But what do I know? I tried to sell my plasma, but because of one of the medications I’m on, I can’t.
Things have been hard. But there have been positives too.
I started taking Riley to the dog park, where she’s been wildly popular, especially when the other two pugs come along with her. She even plays with other dogs half the time. Though she mostly seems to want to stay by my side. She’s also started curling up under the covers with me at least once a week. Which just makes me feel so safe and secure at night, even though I am absolutely no safer than the nights she is curled up at my feet.
I still have the best friends a person can ask for. I am so beyond grateful for my friend group and my best friends. They are my rocks in life.
I started dating a long-time friend in October. It’s been a difficult transition as we navigate the changes to our relationship and the expectations each of us has for one another.
I started running my Dungeons and Dragons game at the start of the year. It’s been one of the most challenging and rewarding aspects of the year.
2025 has been a difficult year, overall. I am definitely ending it in a much worse place than I was at the start overall. But I’m hopeful for 2026. I have a job interview next week, and one of these has to land me a position. I have support. I’m not in all of this alone.
So here’s to the new year. May it bring more luck and joy than the last.
I told my therapist I would journal more. And I’ve just stared at the screen for hours, not sure what to write. I still feel really depressed and kind of hopeless. I’m trying to counteract that. So… I guess let’s look at the things that are good in my life right now.
- I’ve been getting a lot of interviews. No offers so far, but I have two interviews lined up this week, and a recruiter with another possibility lined up.
- My computer works properly again. It hasn’t been able to play video games for months, and it randomly started working again last week.
- I was approved to be a notary. I need to go file my bond and get my seal still, but I’m a notary now.
- I have the best friends and support system a person could have.
- I have one friend in particular who is constantly battling my negative thoughts and depression spirals, and I am so grateful to have him in my life.
- I have Riley, who’s an idiot, but she’s my little idiot.
- I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on every night. Even if that bed is sometimes over-taken by pugs who love me and feel safe enough to sleep in my bed.
- I have my Disneyland Magic Key, and go at least once a month, and that is a balm I cannot begin to fully describe.
Things aren’t all bad all the time. It’s something I forget a lot. But maybe if I remember this little list, and add to it as time goes by. It’ll stick. I’d like to remember that there is always a little hope and a little joy in each passing day.
I’ve been incredibly sick for the past week. It hasn’t stopped me from searching for a new job, or taking interviews. Which maybe it should have, since I didn’t get those jobs and I know I was not at my best.
I’ve fallen into a routine.
It’s not a lot. But its all I’ve been doing and I kind of hate it. I miss having work to do. I also miss the world not being difficult to breathe in and coughing not being a regular thing and also my nose just won’t stop running. I feel like my life stopped and I want it to start again.
10 days ago I was fired from my job. Let go is the polite way of putting it, but it all boils down to the same thing. After nearly 5 years, I find myself unemployed again.
I’m grieving the loss of this job. I loved the company, and I loved my coworkers. Sure, I didn’t love the commute every day and the traffic I’d have to deal with. But I was good at my job. I did my best there. And it feels like, despite the reason not being performance-related, my best wasn’t good enough.
I’m not doing fantastically. I sleep most of the day now to avoid thinking too much. I play with Riley when I am up. And apply for a new job on LinkedIn, Ziprecruiter and Indeed. I’ve already had one interview, and I have another one scheduled for next week. I am taking steps to move forward. It’s just difficult to manage.
I’m terrified about losing my insurance. I applied for Medi-Cal, but I don’t know if Kaiser will accept it. Which means I’m at risk of losing all of my mental health medications. Which puts me at a much higher risk of hurting myself somehow. I’m scared to be off my medication. Not only the mental health ones, but the ones that manage my blood condition and my diabetes, too.
I just have to move through the fear. And stay vigilant. And keep taking the small steps forward.
I just turned 37. Yesterday, in fact. And I feel like a loser.
I have very few prospects, if any. I live with my parents and I’m unable to move out. I’m facing possibly being homeless as a result because they may need to move. I’m in debt. I’m working on getting out of debt, which is a big part of why I can’t afford to move out. I can’t afford to take care of Riley, who means everything to me, without help.
I can’t afford to take care of me without help.
This isn’t how I pictured my life. I saw myself as independent already. Maybe with a family at this point. Instead, I’m single, with no prospects, because what do I possibly have to offer someone?
I’m kind of spiraliing through these thoughts. They keep swirling in my head and its all I can hear which is impressive because I’m watching Cats with my best friend. That musical demands attention, and I’m masking for my friend, and still this is all I hear.
I know I’m impressive to my friends. And that helps some. I just. I don’t know. I’m not happy. And I don’t see a future where I am happy anymore.
Hi, I need some help taking care of my dog. She’s had 5 ear infections, and we’re trying to figure out why. If you could share and/or donate, that would be greatly appreciated.
The year finally feels like it’s starting. I’ve been housesitting since December 23rd. Last night was the first night I spent in my own bed in a month. I missed my bed. I didn’t miss Izzie and Luna joining me in bed in the middle of the night as much, but I did miss them.
The time away gave me time to reflect on my home situation. The first step is to get my space clean and keep it clean. I don’t like living in a mess, and that’s what home is right now. I also need to save for more than just travel purposes. I want my own space one day. Somewhere where I am not reliant on someone else to live there. Someplace that’s mine.
I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling very sad today. Sad and lonely. I spent a few hours trying to work out why to no avail. It’s just a mood. My therapist says I should keep track of my moods more in journals. This is the closest I have to one.
This entry is a mess. But so am I. A very scatterbrained inattentive mess.
I hope everyone reading this had a nice Christmas spent the way they wanted to spend it.
I got stood up by my therapist tonight. We usually just do check-ins, making sure I’m not going off in those fun manic ways. But I actually needed to talk to someone tonight. The person I paid to talk to just didn’t show up, and it looks like he canceled all my future appointments.
I’m not quite sure what to make of that.
I’ve been in a weird to me state where everything seems to be okay. I have things under control. Except for my anxiety. And now depression. For no reason as far as I can decipher. There is literally nothing wrong with my life right now and I cannot stop panicking and I’m stuck in this bubble of hopelessness and I can see things are better. And I can’t stop feeling the way I’ve been feeling. It is incredibly frustrating, which feeds into everything.
Maybe it’s the time of year. I usually struggle at the end of the year because I’m not doing what I typically do, which is baking up a storm of cookies, cupcakes, and more. It was my challenge to myself. And I hate it. But at the same time, it takes a load of stress off me because I don’t have to figure out what to do with all of the baked goods.
A large part of me wonders if I was discharged from treatment too soon. If I shouldn’t have gone to Discovery after my hospitalization and instead gone to a residential treatment facility. I think I’m still broken in ways I don’t know how to fix myself. And I desperately want to not be broken anymore.
I really wish my therapist didn’t stand me up tonight.
Shpunkey 